E-

You’ve acknowledged that you have been very bad to me, your behavior has been out of control for months, and I’ve continued trying to make this work despite of it.
I can only count on ONE hand the times Ive reached out to your sister to address your behavior, on those times I did feel that my safety was compromised. As for the other times, I’ve had to keep it to myself..

Yes, you promised again that you’d be better, and that I would see a change in you… but i dont see you trying.. you put a hole in the closet door tonight. Acting that way does nothing but shows me that you aren’t serious.

Erik I am not dismissing the progress that you have made-in other areas of your life, and I am proud of you. I am glad that I got to be apart of that. We got there- together. I love that you trust me. I want you to know that I notice you, and I notice your effort into the other aspects of your life and your responsibilities, I pay attention to everything. I see your growth, and I see where you shut down. I help you keep going, I try to motivate you, especially when it comes to things that frustrate you. I believe that that is what love does. We acknowledge each other’s good and our bad, and we bring each other up-

As for me, I know that I may give off this persona that ‘I’m alright’, or ‘independent.’ I don’t wallow in my medical dilemma , but at the same time I don’t ignore it. I know what I can and can’t handle- and helping is my best quality, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Including me in your work routine- okay- (yes maybe a week?)

…but it’s been 2 months, and I cant handle waking up at 3am to drive you to work and picking you up, and timing it right so you don’t have to wait, it is taking a toll on me.

There is a difference between “supporting someone” and being expected to carry them at your own expense.

I hear you tell your sister that you’re going to lose your job because Becca can’t take me to work.

Erik, I’m sorry. I’ll take you. It won’t kill me. But could you do me a favor and make me feel loved? Can you appreciate me? Can you please make me feel secure, and safe?

It won’t kill you to show me that you care.

I show you that I care every single day… even when I’m too tired.

I want to feel safe. I want a nice home. I want my cat healthy. I want you healthy. Me, I wish I was healthy. I want us both to bring some effort into this even when we are tired. Even if we are lazy.

Bringing something to this relationship shouldn’t be a hassle, or a chore.

But It shouldn’t mean pushing your physical limits. (That’s what I feel I’m doing)

And it hurts to finally get home and hear you speak to me that way you do.

You call me a bitch

You call me a cunt

You say, fuck you Rebecca

You tell me you’re going on a walk because you say that you…

don’t want to be anywhere near me.

But we have already spent the entire day apart.

💔

Those words hurt! So badly!

And the day goes on, the night comes and goes, and it’s early in the morning, it’s 3am, and you wake me up, i get dressed, and I drive you to work, then I come home…

And I wait for you to tell me what time to pick you up, and it starts all over again.

I start to wonder if I even make you happy.

Are you giving your affection to someone else?

You have no patience with me and…

I’ve seen you treat complete strangers with more kindness, and more respect than you have had for me.

What really eats away at my self esteem is the name calling.

Your words linger loooooong after the argument, and you may think…

OK! that was in the past!

Why is it still bothering you?!

Why do I feel the way I do right now?

Because there is no words after you say those things to me.

You don’t follow up about what happened, and we never talk about it.

You never come back and say:

“ hey Becca, I love you, I want you to know that I didn’t mean to all the horrible stuff I said to you yesterday. Or. Hey Becca! I said some terrible things yesterday and I love the shit out of you, just remember that in those moments that I am being a jerk! Or. What I said was wrong! Or. I was upset! Or. I was a jerk! Or.

“ Becca…. how can i make this right?? “

You don’t say anything.

& You get angry about your anger!

But you are gone at work all day and sometimes I don’t hear from you, but you just text me what time to pick you up…

when I bring you home,

You see me, unraveled my heart is kinda displaced, I’m still butt-hurt about the mean things you’ve said, and constantly keep on saying to me. .

Just give me a minute,

(But I can’t move past it,

I feel like I never will). I

I feel miserable that we are losing each other in this way, because it’s fucking crazy, and I feel like I’m losing my mind, I feel so confused.

I tell you how I feel,

& You tell me that

you are going to make this right.

You tell me or promise me

that I would start to

See a change in you,

for the better.

But, you have no idea how to make this better.

How do you make this right?

Your behavior is one thing…

But fixing the damage to us

is another, & it’s just as important.

If you’ll hear me out…

I’m sorry that it makes you feel bad, I’m not dwelling on it, and I don’t want to bring it up either.

I’m just saying, since you told me that you want to make this right

I’m gonna tell you how you can.

if you’re listening.

If you can let go your ego…

You can make it right by telling me what you love about me.

You can tell me how much you missed me through the day.

You could do something …

anything ..

& just do that for a lil bit longer

than you usually would.

say something kind to me. Show me that I am special to you. Say it. Keep saying it

everyday.

Show me how important I am to you.

Do you know what I mean?

That’s all I wanted to say…

So.

I’ll let you take it from there.

I know you are a good man.

So this should not be hard for you.

I know you have compassion and I know that you are kind.

You are not blind to what a mess this is becoming.

I don’t care why it happened.

This is a judgment free zone,

I am very forgiving.

Too forgiving

I hope you understand.

I hope that asking you to be nice is not ‘outside’ of your comfort zone.

Where is your sweetness?

Because I wouldn’t want to force that on you if that’s not what you feel in your heart.

If it is, I’m wondering why you feel taking your frustrations out on me is acceptable?

I’m going over the top to get you to see that i am trying !

I still care. &

I’m still here.

I don’t like to think of the worst, but

Maybe it’s Me that you don’t want.

( God I hope that isn’t true. )

I feel sooo disgusting..

Kinda like a perv 😓

And it embarrasses me as it is

That I’m having to tell you!

(you’ve turned it into something that should be shameful to ask you for).

As if that is the absolute last thing on earth you would ever want to do.

I feel gross for having to ask you to

Just love me.

In the past, you’ve made me feel ashamed for asking you to show me some affection, asking you to be kind to me, asking you to be close to me.

I asked you tonight, are you seeing someone else?

You flopped your hands around,

Started fidgeting picking at your fingernails… you don’t give me a Yes or no answer.

But You respond.

And I feel ashamed, I guess.

I’m asking you to love me, so that o know it.

I’m asking you why do you want to fix this, but not hear me out, or do the work.

I need you to hear me.

And really listen, so I can let you fix it.

It’s not going to break you.

I want it to be real, like it’s coming straight from your heart.

I wish i didn’t have to tell you these things..

Once you have your medications adjusted, I hope you realize that I am not making you like this.

I hope you acknowledge how much I care about you I hope you know that I didn’t have to stick around

but I did.

Most people would have walked away from this kind of situation.

I remember you telling me about the horror stories of your past relationships…

(like the one about the hammer)

That kinda shit is not going to fucking happen here, so don’t you dare fall into your old ways, don’t you ever treat me like that

Don’t give up on yourself.

Let’s stay healthy for one another, let’s be good to each other. .

Do you know how proud I am of you?!

You are the sweetest human I have ever met.

I fell for you because you showed me what it was to be loved. I’ve never been ‘chased’ (romantically) before. I’ve never felt important to anyone. Until you.

You made me feel special, so appreciated, I’ve never felt cared for by anyone before. You were different.

You gave me a sense of belonging,

you gave me hope,

You motivate me.

You made me feel so good about myself

That is one of the things that attracted me to you.

I want that back.

If you are sacrificing too much of yourself to be involved in a relationship with me, and if this is who you really are…

Then i guess I’m your fool. 😢

If being with me inconveniences you.

If the pros outweigh the cons of staying together, then I need you start now.

And I need consistency, I need this every day.

Right now.

Not just on the weekends.

Not whenever you feel like it.

No excuses.